Purposeful Faith

I’m SO angry at myself


My body language said much more than those three letters. I stomped around the kitchen huffing and puffing, while making dramatic hand movements as I tried to clean the horribly messy kitchen.

The whole world needs to know right now that I am irritated right now. 

My husband looked at me and said, “Oh no, here we go again.” That really irritated me and threw me over the cliff. At this point, I cleaned the messy counters with increasing levels of frustration.

All the while, I hated that I was so flustered. I hated that I was so annoyed.

I hated that I was reactively responding to the fact:

1. I was hungry and hadn’t eaten anything this morning.

2. I had just finished a couple grueling rounds of doing my daughter’s hair.

3. I was already late to get the kids to school and there was still more to do in the house.

All the dominoes had fallen, on me. Now, here I was contending with that feeling I thought I’d beaten: anxiety. I hated myself for feeling this emotion. I thought I was done with this life-sucking feeling that rises in a chest and acts-out like a jerk.

The guilt hit when I got back from the school drop-off. I really dropped the ball this morning. I really let the family down. I really – did it again. God, I am sorry. Forgive me. 

5 minutes later: I was still hating myself for it.

10 minutes later: I thought back to it.

15 minutes later: I still was coursing through my mistakes.

So here I am writing a blog post to process through it all, with you. And, I want to process it, because to examine your heart with God, is to heal it – once and for all.

I’m angry at myself. I hate how I do what I’m not meaning to do.

Yet, as I get to the bottom of what is happening in my heart, I can hear God. He practically says:

Like clothes of old, I give-away remembrance of your old mistakes.
I’m in charge of transformation. Just keep connection with me.
Come to me when you’re weary and heavy-laden. I have your rest.
It’s not what you do for me, but what Jesus has already done for you that matters.
You don’t work up repentance to appease me, on the contrary, because of Jesus I’m pleased with you.
Fear not, I am with you and for you, always.
Today’s mistake becomes tomorrow’s learning that delivers your “breakthrough”.
The best part of you falling down is me helping you up, so we can do “it” together.

Because of Christ, I am no longer angry at you.

“For the mountains may move
and the hills disappear,
but even then my faithful love for you will remain.
My covenant of blessing will never be broken,”
says the Lord, who has mercy on you.” (Is. 54:10 NLT)


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Kelly, a fun-loving, active and spunky mom of two rambunctious toddlers, spends her days pushing swings, changing diapers and pursuing the Lord with all her heart. Called a "Cheerleader of Faith", Kelly's greatest desire is to help women live passionately, purposefully and unencumbered for the Lord.

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5 CommentsLeave a comment

  • I NEEDED this today! My week and most of the summer has been a disaster, and Tuesday was the last straw. It broke and it was ugly, it was raw! For the past two days I’ve done nothing but cry and replay everything in my head, I look like a crazy person going from one emotion right to the next trying to overcome! Your post today gave me so much Peace. It’s not something I can do in myself, but God is working in and on me! He’s Love and Grace for me never stops if I only reach out to Him! If He picks me up from my fall, I will be stronger then ever! Thank you for being God’s vessel of comfort today!

  • Thank you so much I so needed to know I’m not the only one who goes through this. Thank you for showing me that God is with us. I seem to forget that that at the second a situation comes up and my anxiety pops up and I worry. At 62 you would think I could handle almost every frustration but NOPE . I wait almost every morning to read your post to start my day and this one really really helped. God is so amazing. Thank you and God Bless and have an amazing day. Big Hug

  • Thank you Kelly for always being honest and true. It help me a lot to understand what I am going through and I am not alone. Many times God speak to me through your posts and it strengthen me in my journey with God. It give me peace and reassurance that God always love and accept me even so many times I failed Him. Recently I am going through emotional roller coaster, one time I feel fine and in other times I feel like I am so broken.
    I am angry with myself to let my emotions take control of my life. What I need to do just keep reach out and keep connection with God, because I can not fix myself. God’s power is strong in my weakness. By God’s mercy and Grace I will overcome. Always wait for your post and thank you for be a blessing. God Bless Kelly.

  • Very honest and thorough. I hope your husband processed his laziness and sarcasm as prayerfully and honestly as you have reflected on your temper loss.

    (ps I asked you on twitter about your book. I am reading it now & enjoying it a lot. Very punchy & readable, very helpful.)

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