All was fine until I had to decide whether to lie or not. . .
Let me explain. Today, I sat in a new church with new people at a bible study group. Here, as the youngest, amidst all the white-haired heads, I felt free. I didn’t care about fitting in.
The Pastor mentioned to the group that I wrote books, namely: “Fear Fighting” and “Battle Ready: Train Your Mind to Conquer Challenges, Defeat Doubt and Live Victoriously“. And, then we continued . . . reading and learning — that is — until, the pastor stopped, looked at us, and asked, “Is anyone here struggling with fear?”
The room sat still. No hands raised.
But, my heart thumped. Why? Because I knew I should raise mine.
But, how can I? The girl who wrote the book about fear? How can I admit today that I am struggling with fear? What will they think of me? How will I look? I’m a shame. I should be better than I am.”
But, I knew “my truth”. How I get afraid of powerless moments when I don’t know how to react. How I feel nervous that God won’t make a way for my dreams. I feel afraid that I may misinterpret scripture and lead his people or myself, astray (my worst nightmare). . .
As the man waited, I had to decide: Would I lie before man and God — by keeping my hand down — or would I admit my struggle, and raise it up?
I slowly inched my hand up, somehow signaling to the group: I am not perfect, not altogether and I struggling. . .
I half-expected them to laugh at me, to raise their chin up just a little higher than mine, or to question why I even write books. . . but they didn’t.
Then, the most interesting thing happened. As the group wrapped up, a bunch of women came over to me. They said, “How do you spell your last name? We want to get your book. . . ”
And, so I consider today:
Maybe people don’t hate our weakness as much as we think they do.
Maybe our truth-telling doesn’t make people want to run as much as the enemy tries to convince us it does.
Maybe people aren’t looking for perfect friends, as much as they are honest ones.
Are you honest before man? Before God? Or, are you trying to hide the worst of you, because you figure no one will want you anymore?
Our revealing before God — and man — is our healing. But, our hiding often is — our increase of shame.
“Don’t lie to each other, for you have stripped off your old sinful nature and all its wicked deeds. Put on your new nature, and be renewed as you learn to know your Creator and become like him. 11 In this new life, it doesn’t matter if you are a Jew or a Gentile,[c] circumcised or uncircumcised, barbaric, uncivilized,[d] slave, or free. Christ is all that matters, and he lives in all of us.” (Col. 3:9-11 NLT)
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2 CommentsLeave a comment
Kelly – I know exactly how you feel. I remember once giving a talk on how I persevere. It was my big opportunity to witness in a secular curriculum. The answer was God. Yet, all week, I had missed my quiet time with God, and I was not persevering well.
I didn’t know how to lead. But I decided to go with where I was. It was a pivotal moment that changed me as a leader. The group responded to my imperfection and wanted to hear what I had to say. I was able to say, see it’s not working this week because I have not put God first.
I am so glad you were honest and vulnerable. I would much rather read a book from someone who struggles with the issue than an expert on the topic that has it licked.
This encourages me Kelly! I think we would rather learn from and someone who understands and empathizes. Makes me think of how our Savior would have raised his hand if anyone asked “ who here has been tempted?”