Gyms
Something inside me was brewing. I could hear the voices. I could sense the excitement. It was all around me. I wanted to jump in, I wanted to participate; but, all I could do was stand and stare. Like a frozen spectator, the reflection of the gym class mirror gripped me. Giggles. Smiles. Connections.
Loneliness. Wishes. Sadness.
The were living everything I wanted, the everything I was somehow was not a part of. I was the lone wolf.
I stood smack dab in the middle of the class, but knew I much more belonged on planet Jupiter.
Every inch of me felt vulnerable, “Will they notice that no one is talking with me?”
Every ounce felt embarrassed, “Why don’t I have a friend here too?”
Every bit of me wondered, “Do I look okay?”
Everything in me, made me feel like I was reliving yesterday…
Playgrounds
Playgrounds are places where kids play, except for when you are me. Then they are places where you sit out. They are places where you are left behind. They are places where you watch from the safety of a curb, from a position of arms crossed or from a nurses office for safe keeping, because what you know is: on these grounds everything you believe about yourself is being determined.
Things like:
1. I must not be likable.
2. I have some weird gene that excludes me.
3. I think differently.
I reached out my hand to be friends with one of the girls. I tried; I tried so hard to extend myself beyond myself. I looked in her eyes – and she looked back too. There was hope!
Then, her friend walked by, reached out for her arm and said, “Don’t be friends with her.”
Said and done – from that point on everyone acted cold. Standing on that field, playing whatever sports game we where playing, a little piece of determination and a little piece of resolution was lost. I kicked softly and felt horribly. And walked home solemnly figuring there was something wrong with me.
I wonder if Jesus ever felt like me?
A moral, good and righteous odd-ball-out kind of kid?
Without sin, yet having to dwell in sin (Heb. 4:15)?
Immersed in a world of pain, when he was used to the wealth of paradise?
Hated by those he loved and shamed by those he came to save?
Might those he loved felt awkward and restrained near him in sight of his greatness, his perfection?
And what about when Jesus was about to head to the cross? No one could understand his grief. No one could fathom the far depths of his love. No one could walk in the shoes that would cleanse the whole world with righteousness. No one could understand what it feels like to be “forsaken” (Mt. 27:46).
Surely, I am not nearly like Jesus, but I think Jesus might have felt a little like me – alone. Not understood. Weary.
Pushing Into Jesus
When I step back from all this – to look at Jesus and myself, I start to see something emerge.
What strikes me is: How often am I like those who stood around Jesus – just a little scared of him?
How often do I believe Jesus looks at me and says,
“Her, no…. you don’t want to be friends with her”
and then he grabs all his love and walks out the door?
When we feel like Jesus is ready to abandon us,
we become hyper-aware that the world will too.
Deflect his love and you will deflect all love.
Intersect with Jesus’ love and you’ll be resurrected by it.
Do you ever feel unable to receive the fullness of God’s love?
5 Ways to Tell if You are a Love-Deflecter:
1. You feel guilty beyond guilty when you make a mistake. You can’t get over it.
2. You sometimes fall trapped to believing: God is too big and too mighty to hear your small prayers – or answer them.
3. When you close your eyes and imagine meeting Jesus in heaven, you see him squinty eyed as he greets you.
4. You figure a way out of trials, verses letting God’s love hold you through them.
5. The past makes you think he runs from your past too.
There is no ounce of shame, that disqualifies you from the power of his name.
There is no ounce of shame, that disqualifies me from the power of his name.
Say it aloud if you need to.
Jesus knows our pain and loves us the same.
He felt pain and won the game.
He knows our cries – and cries with us.
He bring us to the sinking point of love,
found at the foot of the cross.
Where the past has bounds,
but the future is boundless,
where pain exists,
but where love swallows its power.
Where life is made new again,
and past handicaps become moot.
Where the compassion goes on and on and on,
and where small kids are made whole again.
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Thank you this morning for these words. On the playgrounds of life, I find we sabotage ourselves by inflicting ourself on ourself. What we believe others are thinking about us many times are not true and they are never true for God. Your list at the end has me thinking that I am a #1 girl through and through. I cannot let go of guilt even though God does not stand over me saying “guilty”. I carry it like it’s my last treasured item instead of letting it go to God. You have give me much to think about. Hope your day and week are blessed.
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These are powerful words: “There’s no ounce of shame that disqualifies me from the power of His name!”
Looking at your list, I am the #1 type of person, used to struggle more, I’d agonize over every mistake, but slowly I’m learning to let myself off the hook and receive God’s grace.
(So sorry for your childhood memory. Our God is Jehova Rapha! Healer!)
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“He felt pain and won the game.” Amen. When that’s in focus all else bands together in His strong fashion. Love your vulnerablity, Kelly. You bring us alongside for the journey, allowing us to be real and safely vulnerable, too.
Kelly,
I love how honest and real you are. Thank you for the beautiful reminder that there is no ounce of shame, that disqualifies you from the power of his name. Wishing you a blessed week!
His grace is without bounds. Yep, He knows our pain and lives is the same. Hugs Kelly. I’ll play with ya! Susan
What a touching story, my friend. I think we’ve all had those rough moments on the playground. But amen to this: “Jesus knows our pain and loves us the same.” I wish I would have understood this more in my childhood, but am so incredibly thankful I can fully receive it today.
So thankful for the way that God is using a painful childhood memory to heal others as well. “Love Deflector” is a great title for a sad affliction. Thanks for your words today!
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You always write with such poetic vulnerability, Kelly. I love that about you. The playground thing—my goodness, I’m sure we can all relate to that scenario. It only takes one mean girl, one that everyone else looks up to—“Don’t be friends with her,” is all it takes to become the lone wolf. I often wonder if even the mean girls think they’re weird too—they must–that’s why they try so hard to be in control; that’s why they’re so mean–maybe they’re even more insecure than the most insecure of the class. They just hide it better. At any rate, I loved this post–and we ought never to picture Jesus as that “mean girl.” Everyone can come to Him-He is the friend to all.
Oh yes! I’m so, so guilty of love deflecting and it goes way down deep. God has been slowing peeling off layers of protection…gently and steadily. He’s a good Father and loves me right where I need it the most! Beautiful post today Kelly:)
I think sometimes we feel this way being a Christian. No one understands us at times, except for Jesus. Thanks for this reminder. Wishing you a beautiful week and thank you for hosting 🙂
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“Where small kids are made whole.” Love that.
“You feel guilty beyond guilty when you make a mistake. You can’t get over it.” That’ me. God’s working on this with me, and I love your perspective of love deflection.
Happy Tuesday!
Megs
“There is no ounce of shame, that disqualifies you from the power of his name.
There is no ounce of shame, that disqualifies me from the power of his name.
Say it aloud if you need to.
Jesus knows our pain and loves us the same.”
Yes, yes and yes. So good Kelly… Thank you <3
“There is no ounce of shame, that disqualifies you from the power of his name.” YES Lord!!!!!
Let’s keep pushing in to Jesus together, friend. Good word today. xo
Kelly, I was definitely the picked-on one in elementary school. The one spit on and made to feel less than. It’s taken decades to work through most of those lies within my heart. The day I realized God loved me completely, perfectly and passionately, not as a “less-than” child of his was the day I began to feel comfortable with who I am.
I’m so sorry you endured that as a girl. Kids are so cruel sometimes. Thank you for your beautiful ministry of words.
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Oh, Kelly, I so loved this post. It correlates so well with what I have been writing over the last three weeks. I’d like to include this in my next post as part of a blog-roll of posts that write about the love of God and its redemptive work, if it’s okay with you! Thanks so much for blessings me so big!
Blessings and smiles,
Lori
This would be such a blessing. Thanks Lori!
Hi Kelly!
“Love Deflector”…..the words you chose are ones to definitely create reflection. The illustrations about gyms and playgrounds were so on point. I can certainly identify as the non-athletic girl not chosen and feeling like I really did have two left feet. So grateful for all of God’s healing which allowed me to fully receive and embrace Christ’s love for me!
Thanks for this and the linkup!
Pam
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