I could feel it – but I didn’t want to “feel” it. I didn’t want to deal. I didn’t have time for it.
I was too busy living days of baby insanity –
coping with a screamer who didn’t know night from day or day from night,
that mom sometimes needs 5-minutes without high-pitched wails and
that spit-up is actually the worst kind of perfume.
Babies don’t get all that.
So, even though my legs were going numb and my vision was faltering, I ignored it. Even though it seemed I was wearing 3-D checkerboard glasses of black & white, I said, “Plug on! Mamma, ain’t got time for that.”
Pull, it together, body, you can do it. We have feedings, poopings and sleepings to handle.
But, as avoidance always does, it catches up; it grabs an just an inch of your leg and doesn’t let go. It always leaves you with the stark reality of all that is happening and a feeling that you won’t survive.
The words Multiple Sclerosis hit me like a freight train. I longed for those spaces of denial once again. Safe spaces. Known spaces. Comfortable spaces. But, I found myself in hated spaces – waiting rooms.
My waiting rooms turned into fearing rooms with cool magazines and no windows.
My waiting rooms turned into holding cells where worst-case dreams come true.
My waiting rooms turned into agony for ones who hate being hurt.
And, the thing about waiting rooms, is they don’t have to be windowless to trap you. They don’t have to be small to make you claustrophobic with the thought you will never breathe the same again.
I waited to be tested to see if I was going to spend a good part of my life in a wheelchair, to see if the face of my life would be forever changed and tested by God for who knows why.
I wanted to say, “I trust you,” but all I could mutter was “set me free.”
I wanted to say, “your will be done,” but all I could think was “change my situation.”
I wanted to say, “help all the other people with issues that sit around me,” but I could only whisper “get me out of this torture chamber.”
Aren’t we all stuck in a place of wait – in one way or another?
Waiting for a cure.
A pain to go away.
Deliverance from finances.
A Job Solution.
A legal issue.
An unreachable dream.
A let down.
We are all waiting.
Our waiting rooms can make us feel like an imposition, relying on a paper prescription, that keeps us focused on our affliction. Our waiting rooms seem to hold us captive by an assailant who says, “You will never come through. I will get you.” Our waiting rooms become fights against life, where we always become the projected loser.
What do you when everything is breaking?
When your very body can’t seem to deal with life?
For me, my screaming baby midnight hall walks, turned into screaming midnight baby prayer talks. I called from the depths of my heart for a “great fixing” of all that was wrong. So did my husband, so did countless others.
Sometimes, all you have left to do is pray.
And, sometimes, all you needed to do was pray.
Prayer opens the waiting room door to the Great Physician.
His healing work may not always bind up broken bodies,
but it is always binds up broken hearts.
His surgeries always work,
always bring newness, always surface peace.
His work turns fearing rooms into hoping rooms –
because he clears new room for love.
There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. 1 Jo. 4:18
My doctors were positive of MS. My symptoms said yes, but test after test after test – after multiple MRI’s – they still couldn’t fully diagnose me. So, what was a certain reality, became certainly “not MS.”
God hears prayers. Miracles can – and sometimes do – happen. But, sometimes the greatest miracle is not the answer to the prayer, but God’s answer in to what plagued our heart.
He always goes for the greatest healing.
So, don’t give up because you think the great physician has left the office.
Don’t give up because you feel forgotten.
Don’t give up because he is attending to others first.
God has the perfect course of action for you.
He hasn’t forgotten you.
He asks you, will you trust me?
Will you believe that in this wait I have something amazing for you?
And, as we do, he does something amazing.
He changes it all.
Our fearing rooms turn into trusting rooms.
Our holding cells turn into praying cells.
And, our fear turns into a deep knowledge God is near.
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12 CommentsLeave a comment
Your beautiful faith is incredibly inspiring, Kelly. I’ve been in a few waiting rooms myself lately. This is much needed, my friend: “Prayer opens the waiting room door to the Great Physician.” Thank you for those encouraging and amazingly true words. Have a wonderful day. Many blessings to you and yours :)!
Hugs Candace. Have a blessed day too. The great Physician is always attending to us.
I love your post, Kelly. I could definitely relate to all the feelings when you thought you had MS. It reminded me of when I was diagnosed with RA (rheumatoid arthritis). The waiting, the yo-yo feelings back and forth between angst and denial…and for me, having actually received a positive diagnosis, grief and acceptance. I am so glad your results turned out well. In the few months I have known you online, you seem to be a powerhouse of energy, and the Lord is using you mightily! Autoimmune diseases like MS or RA are a bit energy draining, and so going at your rate would be difficult, if not impossible. Praise God for using us right where we are…for using you as a testimony of His healing power over disease and using me as a testimony of His strength that helps me walk through it! Thanks for sharing this, Kelly. I love being a part of your #RaRa group. It keeps me writing more and encourages me daily. Bless you!
It is hard to wait, isn’t it. God always has a plan. Let’s press on in full peace w/ him Linda.
“But, sometimes the greatest miracle is not the answer to the prayer, but God’s answer in to what plagued our heart.” Such encouraging insight, Kelly. Thank you.
I’m so glad you don’t have MS, but I’m left to wonder. So did God take away the symptoms then or did you find out something else? Are you still having health problems? Praying Jesus will hold you close and give you peace in the midst of all your trials! Hugs!
Me too! The symptoms are gone. I am as good as gold. Much love to you Trudy. Thank you for your continuous support of me. It is noticed.
Praying that you have no more symptoms Kelly. I too wonder-are you feeling better?
God can and does hear and answer our prayers. He has shown me that so many times now. We just need to ask Him and keep knocking on His door. Thanks always for the encouragement!
Thank you! I am better, praise God. He always hears.
I just wanted to Thank You for your words of wisdom. Thank You so very much for sharing them with us. .Fondly, Sandy Justice May you be blessed!
Thank you. Much love to you.
Your story is amazing! God is so faithful!
I agree. We serve a good God, all the time.