Purposeful Faith

You, Stop Hurting Me

Stop Hurting Me

How could he do that?
What was he thinking?
What am I doing wrong now?

Everything he did, said and thought seemed to be a judgement about who I was, am and one day will be. His eyes spoke volumes about the magnitude of his disdain for me.

So I shut down. I shut things down faster than a prison cell at lockdown. I packed it all up, made it all tight and kept myself behind the distance of bars. The risk of injury was too high and I had been hurt one too many times to know that you don’t go around prison like a sitting duck waiting for its next attack.

Nope. I got smart.
Not this time.
You can’t get me again.

Yet, as much as I felt I was doing the right thing, I didn’t. The other side of me hated that I was locking it all up, closing it all down, hiding myself away. I didn’t want to be isolated, I wanted to be free. Free of pain, free of the looks of condemnation, free of having to pretend I am someone I am not.

It was like I was at tug-of-war with myself.

God wants me to be open, vulnerable and transparent. Tug.
No. God wants me to protect my pearls and not be injured again. Tug.

I am not being a good Christian by not loving. Tug.
I am better able to love when I don’t feel so hurt. Tug.

He has treated me cruelly. Tug.
I am to die to self as Christ died for me. Tug.

What do you do when “relationship” means
forging into enemy territory feeling alone and open for attack?

Do you take the risk, the barrage of open-fire,
for the dream that you can one day be free?

I did. I headed straight in.

Because God was saying: check your own eye, daughter. Just as much as you think his eyes can’t see you – yours can’t see him. I want restoration for your heart and for his. I want to clean things out for your good.

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?” Mt. 7:3

Really God? I want it to be all his issue.

But, the truth is that as I analyzed his wrongs, so I was wrong. 

Isn’t how it so often happens? What we see in another as their main flaw is really the flaw that we carry around – we just try to hide it under an inch of makeup, don’t we?

As I figured it, the only natural place to go after you realize you have wronged is to make right. So I did.

I confessed to him that I judge and can’t seem to hug, that I sneer and can’t be near and that I fail and often feel frail.

I faced the captor knowing that One already had secured the victory on my behalf.

He may have looked bruised, beaten and defeated himself, but he never was – he won my freedom.

In this, I was freed to love.

Who do you need to apologize to?

Might they look like someone who has a mile-long list of wrongs?

Perhaps, you the tiniest power to make things a little more right?

I won’t say that all things are right between me and him, but what I will say, is that we moved a step closer to intimacy, to openness and to healing. The door to my cell is open.  I am starting to take more walks towards him so he can see who I am is not all bad – maybe sometimes good even – and what I am starting to see are the same things about him.

It’s amazing what forgiveness can do when you let it work.

So often, we see the one who really needed healing is – us.

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Linking with Susan B. Mead, Suzie Eller and #FiveMinuteFriday.


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Kelly, a fun-loving, active and spunky mom of two rambunctious toddlers, spends her days pushing swings, changing diapers and pursuing the Lord with all her heart. Called a "Cheerleader of Faith", Kelly's greatest desire is to help women live passionately, purposefully and unencumbered for the Lord.

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33 CommentsLeave a comment

  • We do have the ability to judge and forgive.
    God is ultimately The Judge and best Forgiver.
    I appreciate your post…it made me think hard.
    Praying you have sweet relationship with Jesus today and with others as you love others too.
    Jenn, FMF 27

  • You are so right, Kelly! It truly is amazing what forgiveness can do when we let it work. Stubbornly dragging unforgiveness through my life for fourteen years nearly destroyed me. When I finally determined to be obedient to God and forgive someone I considered unworthy of my forgiveness, I felt a release and a freedom beyond words. Thank you for your transparency and your life-giving words! Visiting this morning at #DanceWithJesus

  • Very true…Sometimes I have to keep on forgiving again and again because the resentment or disappointment come back until the day I realize that somewhere along the line…I must have let it go…There is such freedom in knowing whatever the crime was no longer matters…We are broken people in a broken world…Called to restore rather than to destroy…Just dropping in from FMF…

  • Amen, amen, amen. And I could go on and on! Kelly, when we lost Kyle, I looked Holt square in the eyes and stated , “I can’t lose you too. I need you now more than ever. And you are a keeper.”

    Changed everything in our marriage. Changing my perspective is where healing began.

    Hugs! Susan

  • Oh Kelly, I know just how that feels. Wanting to retreat to play it safe. But safe is rarely God’s way, is it? Thanks for this challenge to forgive, to open our hearts, and to keep walking forward in our relationships. #fiveminutefriday

  • Great post, Kelly! And on such a tough subject.

    I love how you expressed the complicated tug-of-war that goes on in our heads during the processing.

    I also like how you expressed how we can forgive and ask forgiveness and still have work to do to make the relationship safe enough for a true reconciliation. So often forgiveness is confused with either (1) dismissing or excusing the hurt/harm or (2) reconciliation with no safe boundaries with unsafe people. You did a great job of reflecting the complexity of messy relationships!

  • LOVED this Miss Kelky! Loved the part about the flaw we see in others is usually the one we have ourselves under our makeup! My dad always said, “you spot it, you got it!” Ouch that use to hurt. Needed this message today dear friend, love you.

  • This was a great read Kelly. Though what does one do if the other party is just plain abusive and has a history of violent behaviour?

    • You protect yourself and guide your steps/actions so as not to be abused, but you let your heart let the past go into the hands of Jesus. We forgive for the past and act responsibly for the future.

  • Kelly, I can totally relate. I play the same tug of war often too. I tend to withdraw when I’m hurting, but God calls us to love bravely as He did. It’s tough! Thank you so much for sharing.
    Blessings, Elizabeth

  • Kelly,
    I’ve been praying for guidance through a situation very similar to the one you described. God is absolutely using your honest and heartfelt words to lead me through this. Thank you so much for always speaking truth.

  • Dear Kelly, I would like to thank you for this encouraging message that you have shared with me, I’m down in pain because someone I love deeply have just hurt me so deeply, trying to reach out to him he just rejected me. But I’m comforted by this message of forgiveness, I have forgiven him. All I put in the hands of Christ who was bruised for my transgression. With Christ I’m a winner.
    Thanks Kelly, stay blessed as you bless us. I love you!

  • Kelly,
    What truth that you have shared! By putting my heart out there, I get hurt a lot. It is so easy to go into defense mode…but as you shared so beautifully, we need to pursue, not retreat. When we do approach with gentleness and not judgment, I believe that God blesses our efforts and in essence blesses us! Good stuff!

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