Dear Father God,
I am struggling.
My heart is ripping in two with the thought of how I hurt you.
My defensiveness is boiling, spilling over, with the burning effect of protect or be harmed.
My guilt is cascading onto those I love.
My fears seem to keep me stuck immobile, feeling more like a pillar of salt than the salt of the earth.
There is a insidious inclination to look at myself, in these moments, and to say, “I hate you.”
“I hate how you can’t get things right.
I hate how you don’t love properly. I hate how you make others feel.”
In these moments, it seems like I’m riding a roller coaster that is only descending, that is only heading into the swamplands of no movement, no progress and eternal frustration. I don’t want to go…still though, I move there, even despite my best efforts.
God, why can’t I be all you want me to be?
Why can’t I do better and be better?
Why do I fall into my own traps of defeat?
Why can’t I beat my mind so I can be a “good” follower of you?
Love. Do you feel it? Do you know it? This is all I have reserved for you. It is the only seat I offer you, it is front row to my unending offering of everything I have. For you are mine and I am yours. Love. Move in and let it sink in.
Even when you may feel like you are pulling up the covers, turning off the lights and laying down in disappointment and discouragement, flick the switch, see the light and dead-stare into my eyes. I wait, not to give you the evil eye, but to let you know that you are mine.
I want all of you. I delight in all of you. The places where you are falling, are the places I am uprising. Will you trust? You see the skinned knees, I see the miraculous renewal. I don’t just bandage and regrow, but heal and remake a zillion times more abundant than your smallest comprehension of new.
My work transcends earthly and rebounds into the spiritual
which far surpasses what you consider – natural.
For nothing will be impossible with me (God). Lu. 1:37
So, dear child, don’t be angry at yourself, for this is all part of the process. Don’t cast your efforts into class “loser”. Don’t tell yourself you need to go to bed with no dinner. You will fail, fall and falter. But, here is the truth:
I don’t want to return you to the orphanage and wipe my hands of you.
I don’t want to drop you off on the side of the road, unless you put a smile on your face.
I don’t want you to know that you better – shape up or ship out.
I just want you, all of you, in my hands, moldable, breakable, pliable, makeable and malleabe so that I can make you incredible as you lay back into the warmth of my will.
Stay with me.
Take heart. Don’t quit.
I’ll say it again:
Stay with me.
Ps. 27:14 MSG
Don’t fear my process of remake, but open yourself up to it. Let love sink in – into the cracks, into the chaffed edges and into the unseen – so I can revive every cell you believe is of disrepair. I promise, I work wonders for beauty.
You see, my love is the healing point of all pain.
My love is the answer to your lash-outs.
My indwelling love is the answer to your out-dwelling peace.
My love is the end of condemnation and the beginning of affirmation.
My love is the termination of avoidance and the conception of acceptance.
My love is arms around you when agony is too.
My love is the only current that removes the constant buzz of unbelonging.
The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again;
rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship.
And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” Ro. 8:15
Will you give it a chance? A chance to just – be? A chance to sit on your heart as you sit quiet on your couch? A chance to change you? A chance to remake you?
Cherished child, don’t let love become cliche. Common. Normal. Ordinary. See it afresh. Consider it anew. Resign yourself to know that you can never know the fullness of my love; there is always more and more to it.
So, step back, hold on tight and let it flood your insides so that it floods your world, not with proper actions, but with me.
You will be astonished at what comes out when you let my love move in.
When I find your heart, things change. What was up is down and what was down is up, meaning you, God, move down, and the enemy moves far, far, away. Rather than feeling like all the walls are caving in, rather than feeling suffocated by sub-par Christianity, I feel young again. I feel uninhibited, released and restructured. I feel like running downhill, arms wide open, body receiving, will disappearing, all the same emerging. Emerging into a better me, not because of me, but because of you.
The wind of your gentle Spirit strips away the old, the useless and the unneeded, to pack in new, useful and entirely needed. You bring me to your destination and, as I trust you God, it is great adventure, with great joy and great power in distinct and purposeful movement. God, keep me there. Keep me in the place where my heart says let’s go! Let’s go wild and free down your journey of adventure.
For I know that my Redeemer lives, and at the last he will stand upon the earth. Job 19:25
You love me, oh how you love me,
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37 CommentsLeave a comment
Such a touching letter, because I’ve been there too. Haven’t we all? Loved this: “The wind of your gentle Spirit strips away the old, the useless and the unneeded, to pack in new, useful and entirely needed.” Looking to find a word this morning on the wind of His gentle Spirit! Thanks for this reminder to Stay with Him and Take Heart this morning.
We have all been there. It can be such a hard place to be but God is so gracious.
Thank you Angela. God is good to love us even when we feel down.
Oh, to really hear my Daddy say, “Stay with me.” Isn’t that what we all long for? He can do anything with us and through us if we just abide in Him – just as we are. Thank you for reminding me of God’s great and unchanging love for me.
What a gift it is to hear from him. He loves us so much.
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Kelly – Just a thoughtful and touching conversation between Father and daughter – and the transformation that comes from intimacy with God. Thank you for your honest words and for sharing such beautiful grace. Loved it!
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The beauty of the open transparent communication between the Heavenly Father and His children overwhelms my heart. Psalm 27 fits so well here, vs 4 of the same Psalm is one of my favorites.. ” One thing I long for, one thing I ask, is to dwell in the house of the Lord,forever, and to behold His beauty.” That beauty of the love of the Father spilling out in waves over His own chosen children makes all the wrong right, doesn’t it. It makes the economy of heaven become the principle of living and it turns it all around in a way we can’t understand, and it is grace… it is hope … it is love.
Beautiful words, Kelly.
Thanks for letting us into that heart to heart conversation. And the conclusion. Oh, yes, our Redeemer lives. This is what makes the way possible for such openness with the God of the universe!
We’ll be astonished at what comes out when [we] let his love move in.” This is so true, Kelly. You’re encouraging me to open the doors to more of his love this morning. May your Tuesday be blessed, may God continue using you.
Simply beautiful Kelly. When you write, I feel like I can see straight through to your heart, my friend. May God bless you and your sweet family this Christmas and New Year.
You see, my love is the healing point of all pain.
Oh, Kelly, yes His love is! Beautifully written. Thank you for sharing your heart here. It’s lovely and beckons me closer. To you and to (y)our Daddy. Hugs, Susan
Beautiful! I have written these conversations in my journal and you courageously wrote them on this page for all of us. The love you describe is the love that we all need and God gives it to us every time.
Thank you for sharing love on this page and for reminding us the Father has an unending supply.
Kelly, thank you for sharing such an intimate moment with Daddy. So many women feel the same way. I did for many years, and admit that sometimes I fall back into it. We, as women, need to really grasp how high and wide and long and deep is the love of God. Blessings to you this week.
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Beautiful Kelly! I read this as though God were whispering into my heart <3 Thank you 🙂
I’ve never read the MSG version of Psalm 27:14, but I’m in tears reading it now! I am having a hard time staying with my Father and trusting Him lately. There seems to be no hope amid my struggle with chronic pain and illness and I cry out to Him to give me a glimmer of hope every day. This post is the reassurance I needed today to keep trusting in Him. Thanks for writing this Kelly!!
Kelly, love the format that you did this in! Thanks for the encouragement and the knowledge that God loves us, despite all the negative things we sometimes feel about ourselves. Thanks for hosting and hope you have an amazing week 🙂
This right here…”I don’t just bandage and regrow, but heal and remake a zillion times more abundant than your smallest comprehension of new.” And when the Father says “let the love sink into the cracks”. We are two hearts beating in concert sweetie. I am preparing a post for next week that talks about the beauty and VALUE of being repaired and restored after being broken. I can hear your heart writing this just for me 🙂 Love U friend.
Kelly, I so appreciate your transparency. Though I’ve walked with Jesus for YEARS, I still fall prey to the lies that I’m a failure. I love the picture you give about how God will never return us to the orphanage. He loves us far too much to do this! AS the mother of two adopted children, they sometimes wonder if our love has a limit. My hubby and i try to love like Jesus–they’ll never be “bad enough” to lose our love. I’m so thankful that God loves us with no limits.
Thank you, Kelly, for being transparent with your struggle with condemning yourself and how God reaches into your heart with His love and grace. Beautiful letter from “Daddy.” I love this – “Let love sink in – into the cracks, into the chaffed edges and into the unseen – so I can revive every cell you believe is of disrepair.” May we daily let His love sink in! I hope you have a joy-filled Christmas, Kelly!
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Beautiful post my friend. Let’s believe and receive His Father’s heart towards us.
I’m kinda pretty sure you were in my head and heard that very discussion last weekend, lol… and I love the words you’ve penned in God’s reply. That we will be astonished as we relinquish everything to Him… wow. Yes.
I got to the end and said, “AMEN” out loud in my study.
Love your heart, lady!
Sharing with friend today…. 🙂
Kelly, this is one of my favorite posts from you! Thank you so much for sharing such great encouragement in focusing on the wonderful things that THE LORD says and thinks about us. You bless me and I love you! Sending you hugs and praying blessings over you, beautiful friend! 🙂
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What a beautiful heartfelt letter.
I feel like it’s addressed to me too. 🙂
Kelly, thanks again for sharing your heart and for hosting! December blessings!
Beautiful post, Kelly! It reminds me of God’s Love Letter to Women, which I often post in February. We all need, especially us women! to be better about seeing ourselves through God’s eyes. He loves us so! Advent blessings to you!
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Kelly, what a great reminder of how much our Father loves us! Blessings to you and have a wonderful Christmas!
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God bless you and me
Because you loved me